Grade yourself as follows:
35 correct — Excellent
30 correct — Good
25 correct — Fair
20 correct — Passing
Under 20 — Failing
1. What brilliant comedian's real name is Claude William Dukinfield?
2. What close friend of mine, today a Hollywood legend, once said, "As a writer I am a stylist, and the most beautiful sentence I have ever heard is, 'Have one on the house"'?
3. Can you name the chubby exburlesque funny man who became renowned for the expression, "I'm a ba-a-a-ad boy"?
4. What comedian, part Indian, said, "My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat"?
5. List the three nationally known radio stars who, as a gag, ran for President of the United States.
6. When Lincoln was puzzled about a Cabinet, what humor writer advised him, "Fill it up with showmen, sir. Showmen is devoid of pollertics. They hain't got any principles. They know how to cater for the public. Showmen, sir, is honest men. Ef you doubt their literary ability, look at their posters. Ef you want a Cabinit as is a Cabinit, fill it up with showmen"?
7. What sensational comic, appearing in a picture called The Great Man, when asked if he liked little children, replied, "Yes, if they're well cooked"?
8. "When I was a boy of fourteen," said a famous American humorist, "my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years!" Who was the famous American humorist?
9. Who penned an uproarious book about outhouses that made a profit of fifty dollars a word and caused his daughter to cry from embarrassment?
10. A man called the Perfect Fool contended, "What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel." Who was the Perfect Fool?
11. And, by the way, what is the popular radio name of F. Chase Taylor?
12. Who killed Technocracy with the bright crack, "Nothing you can't spell will ever work"?
13. Can you recall two make-believe comedy feuds similar to the Ben Bernie-Walter Winchell one?
14. Who's responsible for the famous gag line, "Oh, I know Clark Gable very well. I call him Clark — and he calls me 'Hey you!"'?
15. What rotund comic, handsome, intelligent, kind, tells a famous story which begins, "Mister, don't kill Tom the Old Fly! Why, once, in Upper Sandusky, I was placed in durance vile at the behest of a local blackguard ..."?
16. What renowned wit, upon being introduced to Garbo, said, "Pardon me, I didn't catch the name"?
17. Can you name the abusive runt who weighs only forty pounds, yet owns, forty-five suits worth seventy-five dollars each, and says of his boss. "Ah, he is a man of rare gifts — very rare"?
18. List three popular radio comedians whose wives play opposite them on the air. And their wives, please.
19. What immortal comic stated that, if he were elected President, he would bring these two items before Congress: (a) Political baby-kissing must come to an end — unless the size and age of the babies can be materially increased. (b) Sentiment or no sentiment, Dolly Madison's wash must be removed from the East Room?
20. The expression "straight man" means (a) a person who refuses to take part in a crime; (b) a member of a comedy team who acts as stooge and feeds jokes; (c) a comedian who refuses to tell off-color stories. Which is correct?
21. Can you name the bearded sage who spouted the line, "Youth is a wonderful thing — it's a shame it has to be wasted on children"?
22. And, in everyday life, just who is Baby Snooks and who is her much harassed daddy?
23. What swell storyteller, who often writes for Liberty Magazine, repeats the gag about the radical speaker who, in the heat of a debate, cried, "I am an atheist, thank God"?
24. Who is an ex-vaudevillian with the first name of George, who courted and proposed to what female screwball for three years before she finally said "Yes"?
25. Do you recall the movie executive credited with saying at a pep meeting, "Gentlemen, I want you to know that I am not always right — but I am never wrong"?
26. One of America's truly great funny men was a professional drowner in his youth. That is, he'd pretend to drown in the ocean, then, when a crowd gathered to watch him being revived in the beach beer garden, the owner would sell more hot dogs, ice cream, and drinks, and split the profit. Know whom I'm talking about?
27. Can you name the actress (she was once a sexational leading lady of mine) who gave this classic advice, "Girls, the best way to hold a man is — in your arms"?
28. What rotund Supreme Court judge used to tell the one about the boy who killed his mother and father — then pleaded for mercy on the ground that he was an orphan?
29. Two rib ticklers have been on the radio for sixteen years and they first got realistic ideas about Negro life by walking the streets of Harlem. Who are they?
30. Einstein's theory of relativity was once explained this way: "When you sit with a nice girl for an hour, you think it is only a minute; but when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it is an hour." Who did the explaining?
31. What syndicated humorist once stated, "The narrower the mind, the broader the statement"?
32. Can you identify the humor writer who said, "There are only three basic jokes, but, since the mother-in-law joke is not a joke but a very serious question, there are only two"?
33. A certain Governor of New York, asked to speak at Sing Sing, began with. "My fellow citizens," then remembered the convicts weren't citizens, and said, "My fellow convicts." But that was worse. Finally he gulped and said, "Well, anyhow, I'm glad to see so many of you here." Who was he?
34. Who authored this dedication on a very funny book about golf: "To my daughter, without whose unflagging interest and constant assistance this book would have been written in half the time"?
35. What comedian, who speaks in a dry drawl, writes his own stuff, chews tobacco, drew $100,000 for his last movie, once labeled his fellow comedians, "Intellectual midgets living on borrowed minds"?
36. Recently some one misled American youth by advising them, in applying for a job, as follows: "Never show up for an interview in bare feet. Do not read a prospective employer's mail while he is questioning you as to qualifications!" Do you know the blackguard who spouted this advice?
37. Let's also see if you know the famous and humorous epitaph on an atheist's tombstone in Thurmont, Maryland. Well?
38. What publisher, insisting the word "news" was plural, wired a reporter, "Are there any news?" and received the prompt reply, "Not a new"?
39. Match a comic to each of the following bits of anatomy that have made the comics popular: (a) Nose; (b) mouth; (c) hands.
40. What gossip columnist, creator of Mr. Mefoofsky, once confessed, "I usually get my stuff from people who promised somebody else that they would keep it a secret"?
By W. C. FIELDS
2. The fabulous Wilson Mizner.
3. Lou Costello of Abbott and Costello.
4. Will Rogers.
5. Eddie Cantor, Gracie Allen, and yours truly, W. C. Fields.
6. Artemus Ward, great American humor writer, who died in 1867.
7. Ahem — me.
8. Mark Twain.
9. Chic Sale. And the book was The Specialist.
10. Ed Wynn.
11. Colonel Lemuel Q. Stoopnagle.
12. The one and only Will Rogers.
13. Feuds? What about Fred Allen and Jack Benny, or Rudy Vallee and John Barrymore, or any of eight other teams plus W. C. Fields and Charlie McCarthy?
14. Bob Hope.
15. Me. And it was Tom the Old Fly who released me from durance vile.
16. Sharp-tongued Oscar Levant.
17. Charlie McCarthy. Grrr!
18. Jack Benny, Fred Allen, George Burns. And their wives — Mary Livingstone, Portland Hoffa, and Gracie Allen.
19. Ahem — me.
20. (b) is the answer.
21. George Bernard Shaw.
22. Fanny Brice is Baby Snooks. Hanley Stafford is her graying father.
23. Your own Harry Hershfield. And not a bad gag either.
24. George Burns proposed to Gracie Allen for three years.
25. Good ol' Sam Goldwyn.
26. I think W. C. Fields is your man.
27. Mae West.
28. Judge William Howard Taft.
29. — Amos 'n' Andy.
30. Albert Einstein himself!
31. Ted Cook of King Features.
32. George Ade. Hiya, George!
33. Governor Al Smith.
34. P. G. Wodehouse wrote that dedication in Golf Without Tears.
35. Fred Allen.
36. Oh, I wouldn't call him a blackguard. His name is Fields — W. C. Fields.
37. The epitaph reads, "Here lies an atheist — all dressed up and no place to go."
38. The one and only Horace Greeley.
39. (a) Schnozzle Durante or me; (b) Joe E. Brown or Martha Raye; (c) ZaSu Pitts.
40. Walter Winchell.
41. Sure, there are only forty questions, but this extra answer is in case you missed one. You can fill in with this answer to better your score, and the answer is — Me.
Publication Date: November 29, 1941